lets see . . . you want the basics.
i am 20 (but will be 21 in two days) and in my third year of college. i'm studying english and art history. hm that is pretty boring. i live in an on-campus apartment--it sounds worse than it actually is--with 3 other people. i know them from freshman year. i don't want to talk about them just yet, because i don't know who i am going to tell about this journal. i don't want to piss anyone off. but then again, i bet that even if they read that, they'd get pissed at me.
hmm so i have a mom and a dad and one older sister. she has a son who is 6 and a little toy poodle that is almost one year old. that basically makes up the family, though we are never all at home at once. they all live up in North Carolina anyway. even when i lived there, no one was ever home, and actually, my dad just kind of moved to Little Rock. i think i have a lot of emotional baggage built up from my first 20 years of life . . . i mean, who doesn't? i, however am one of those sick individuals who never is sure of whether or not any of it is justifiable. it probably isn't, but there i go with negativity. heh.
once, i tried to sit down and write out my autobiography. i mean a very comprehensive and dare i say complete one. it ended up being only like 11 pages. i doubt that is all i remember. most likely, i was just too lazy to sit down and really think about my past. but then again, who wants to do that?
obviously, no one wants to re-hash one's bad moments--experiencing them and surviving was bad enough. i'd rather keep them unaccessable and pushed as far away as posible. i don't find much use in celebrating good memories either. call me weird, but at least let me try to explain:
i like to think of myself as one who really enjoys power and particularly, the power of volition--i like to have options. even though 9 out of 10 times, i will not sit around and remember my childhood, i take comfort in knowing it is there. maybe part of my satisfaction is choosing not to think about it in any great detail. so what is wrong with the good times? i don't think it necessarily is the content of my memories . . .( now this part of my reasoning probably is not all that true, but it is nonetheless what i think.) i have this thought that if i leave my memories untouched, that they will be more fully accessable if or when i really need them.
you are probably thinking, "my, that is the stupidest thing i've ever heard . . . everyone knows that if you don't go over something, you will forget it . . . " and that could be true. i tend to think not, however. i think that if i take 2 or 3 of my favorite memories and focus very hard on them, i am in a way killing off other memories. if something becomes clear, then something else will inevitably be lost, and i don't want that.