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i have a crush [Jan. 21st, 2006|02:00 am]
pushbutton80
Have you recently started feeling light-headed, dreamy, and a little constipated?

YES!

Do you get sick when you think about her?

YES . . .

Do you get giggly?

YES--

what to do then?

I have no clue.
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um [Jul. 4th, 2004|11:58 pm]
pushbutton80
[mood |uncomfortableuncomfortable]
[music |mazzy star]

so i rented this movie called

better than chocolate

it is this shlocky lesbian romantic comedy where everything is too good to be true. i usually hate movies like this, but i've seen this one a few times. it was a cutting edge film when it came out. personally, i like the soundtrack . . . anything with the song:

"i'm not a fucking drag queen"

is going to be good.
you can tell what kind of movie you are getting involved with by looking at the previews on the tape. that is why VHS is still very important. these previews are all about sex. that is sad, because again, it was very cutting edge (and also very funny).

i guess instead of going out and meeting the girl of my dreams, i'm watching movies. half of me hopes this is a phase. that must be the part of me that takes after my mother.

ok i am going to admit that i am sexually attracted to certain women. there is a girl that works at the corner coffe house that i frequent. she is someone that i am very attracted to. it is just a stupid crush. i can tell because my heart races and i have to breathe really slowly before going up to the counter (i am tactful about this). i usually bring my work there, and i tend to stare off into space while i am thinking. a good place to look is at the counter, because something is always happening. well i felt really guilty, because i was watching this girl horsing around with someone else, and i found myself getting turned on. that has never happened to me before.

sex still frightens me though. i guess any sex, but especially with women. i don't know the first thing about it. maybe that has something to do with it. i'm all pissed off right now, because it rained and i left my windows open and my art supplies got wet. hopefully if i leave them alone, they will dry and be ok. DARN IT.
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ok [Jul. 4th, 2004|01:28 am]
pushbutton80
[mood |curiouscurious]
[music |alanis]

so i've been thinking about this for a long time and i can't tell anyone.  no one knows me here, so i am going to spill the beans. 

i have had some very close encounters with the same sex.  it is a part of myself that i am desperate to explore.  i have had crush after crush on certain women in my life, i guess for the last few years and i have never done anything about it.  i have always denied it and played dumb.  but every time i have gotten myself into a near relationship, i have known exactly what i was doing.  i guess i feel like if i play dumb, then it isn't quite real yet.  i mean, it is only as real as i want it to be. 

maybe i am a tease or something, but this summer i am 700 miles away from anyone i know (well except for a plethora of distant relatives), and so i really want to take these last 8 weeks i have here and, i don't know, do some searching.  i don't want any sort of fling, i just want to see what it is all about i guess.  see if i like it.  or what i like about it and what i don't.  i don't even know what i am looking for here.  i don't know how to look. 

this is the weird thing to me though.  as of right now, a sexual relationship with another woman is repulsive to me.  i guess what i want is emotional intimacy and yeah, affection.  i want a physical relationship, just not a sexual one at this time. 

last weekend, i hooked up with a guy i met at a bar.  maybe i did it to try to cure myself of these thoughts.  it was the first time i had even kissed a guy in months.  right when things started to get really heavy, i just left with no second thoughts about it.  i felt kind of powerful, because i was able to just cut things off like that.  i know this is oversimplifying things, but men seem so vapid.  i think that women know women too well, and i want to see what that is about. 

i don't even know where to start or what to do.  i don't know if i will like it.  i think the fact that i don't desire sex with another woman means that i am not truly homosexual.  i would make a great piece of evidence for those people who say that all homosexual tendencies are the product of insufficient parenting.  maybe that is true and i am the most cliched example of just that.  i didn't have a great relationship with either parent.  i still don't.  i don't have the desire to.  but i can see what people mean when they argue that since i didn't have any sort of emotional bond with my mother, that now later in life i want emotional intimacy with a woman and i mistake that for romance. 

ok so does that make it bad?  could one argue that i didn't have a good relationship with my father and that is why i desire to hook up with men?  it seems like this argument is arguing for people to be completely independent in themselves and not need anyone for anything but procreation.  and i guess the heterosexuals win that one.  i'm rambling now.  i just have no idea what the next step is to take.

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21 [Mar. 31st, 2004|02:10 am]
pushbutton80
[mood |okayokay]
[music |tori amos]

well today is my birthday. i'm 21 now . . . hm. don't feel any different. but then again, i have an assload of homework still. wednesday birthdays kind of stink when one is in school. oh well, it will improve as the day goes on.

i am kind of in a bad mood already, because of the meeting i had tonight at 10. it was with the head of public safety at my university. in october, i was drugged with GHB, and it actually got pretty ugly. i woke up in restraints in the hospital and i had been in critical condition. well they closed the investigation and i got stuck with thousands of dollars worth of hospital bills.

i just got so frustrated tonight meeting with this guy, having to sit there and listen to him blather on and on about how they did everything they could and about how their guys are very well trained by the FBI academy and blah blah and blah. it was hard listening to him tell me all of that, because i know they didn't do everything they could and i know the administration makes them cover things like that up, but i am out of money here. i hate that i cried in front of him. i tried to keep myself together, but i couldn't. i got in my car and cried more. i went to my room and cried even momre. grrr . . . what an ass for making me cry on the eve of my birthday.
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i should start with a little intro [Mar. 30th, 2004|12:15 am]
pushbutton80
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |aimee mann]

lets see . . . you want the basics.

i am 20 (but will be 21 in two days) and in my third year of college.  i'm studying english and art history.  hm that is pretty boring.  i live in an on-campus apartment--it sounds worse than it actually is--with 3 other people.  i know them from freshman year.  i don't want to talk about them just yet, because i don't know who i am going to tell about this journal.  i don't want to piss anyone off.  but then again, i bet that even if they read that, they'd get pissed at me.

hmm so i have a mom and a dad and one older sister.  she has a son who is 6 and a little toy poodle that is almost one year old.  that basically makes up the family, though we are never all at home at once.  they all live up in North Carolina anyway.  even when i lived there, no one was ever home, and actually, my dad just kind of moved to Little Rock.  i think i have a lot of emotional baggage built up from my first 20 years of life . . . i mean, who doesn't?  i, however am one of those sick individuals who never is sure of whether or not any of it is justifiable.  it probably isn't, but there i go with negativity.  heh. 

once, i tried to sit down and write out my autobiography.  i mean a very comprehensive and dare i say complete one.  it ended up being only like 11 pages.  i doubt that is all i remember.  most likely, i was just too lazy to sit down and really think about my past.  but then again, who wants to do that?  

obviously, no one wants to re-hash one's bad moments--experiencing them and surviving was bad enough.  i'd rather keep them unaccessable and pushed as far away as posible.  i don't find much use in celebrating good memories either.  call me weird, but at least let me try to explain:

 i like to think of myself as one who really enjoys power and particularly, the power of volition--i like to have options.  even though 9 out of 10 times, i will not sit around and remember my childhood, i take comfort in knowing it is there.  maybe part of my satisfaction is choosing not to think about it in any great detail.  so what is wrong with the good times?  i don't think it necessarily is the content of my memories . . .( now this part of my reasoning probably is not all that true, but it is nonetheless what i think.)  i have this thought that if i leave my memories untouched, that they will be more fully accessable if or when i really need them. 

you are probably thinking, "my, that is the stupidest thing i've ever heard . . . everyone knows that if you don't go over something, you will forget it . . . " and that could be true.  i tend to think not, however.  i think that if i take 2 or 3 of my favorite memories and focus very hard on them, i am in a way killing off other memories.  if something becomes clear, then something else will inevitably be lost, and i don't want that.    

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for starters . . . [Mar. 29th, 2004|03:22 am]
pushbutton80
[mood |thirstythirsty]
[music |seven wells]

well here i go, trying to make a new journal. i hope i keep up with this one, because i always feel better when i am writing. it helps me to think and thinking helps me to calm down--usually. when i am not writing, i just always seem to be freaking out over everything and nothing all at once.
i am convinced--or still trying to convince myself--that if i sat down and thought long enough and hard enough that i could figure out how to solve whatever happens to me. ok, so there are some exceptions, like if i were bleeding to death, i probably shouldn't sit down and think for three hours, or if i were stretched out on some train tracks, i should probably get my ass off of them . . . BUT after i was safe from immenent danger, i really think that sitting down and fully evaluating the situation would do me some good.
unfortunately now, i am not on traintracks, but rather reclined on my bed. my problem: i have an assload of homework left and it is 3:30 in the morning. i sat down and thought, and i decided that i needed to make a livejournl instead of working. hmm . . . that works.
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